I have always been fascinated by random tables. This disjointed, freely configurable content presentation method somehow resonates with me. And apparently, they are pretty versatile.
Funky Fragrances
You find an abandoned perfume shop. The contents of these old, dusty bottles probably underwent some odd alchemical transformations, resulting in nauseating smells and wild effects.
Roll d10 for the bottle. Roll an additional 4d10 for the other qualities, if you decide to spritz some on yourself.
| d10 | Bottle | Top note | Heart note | Base note | Effect |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Angular tin flask, recently buffed. | Ozone. | Metal. | Sweet stench of death. | Boosts your confidence. |
| 2 | Ancient pottery, the glaze is chipping. | Ammonia. | Fresh meat. | Earthy notes of rotting wood. | Makes you invisible. |
| 3 | A glass foot with its nails painted red. | Rain. | Burnt hair. | Acrimony of crude oil. | Strong allergic reaction. |
| 4 | Copper jug with an embossed design. | Gasoline. | Butter. | Salty like the sea. | You build up a static charge. |
| 5 | Tiny barrel, originally for whiskey. | Cut grass. | Cough syrup. | The color green. | Makes you feel really cold. |
| 6 | A test tube with some dark residue. | Sour milk. | New car. | Obnoxious smell of bile. | Lose your sense of touch. |
| 7 | A tiny skull, sealed with wax. | Sweat. | Wet clay. | Mature, cheesy aroma. | Makes you sleepy. |
| 8 | A gouged-out, knobby turnip. | Vinegar. | Overripe fruit. | Like a spoonful of medicine. | Acts as an aphrodisiac. |
| 9 | Repurposed wineskin. | Vegetables. | Fresh yeast. | Subtle odor of saliva. | Ringing in the ears. |
| 10 | Cut from the shaft of a roc feather. | Hot chili. | Old books. | Chalky nothing. | Skin becomes tough and resistant. |
Crazy Cutlery
When you appear at a feast, you are expected to bring your own cutlery. The exact contents of the set vary by guest but will generally contain d8 knives, d10 spoons and d12 forks. Cups and plates are provided by the host. Roll for container, handles and business ends separately.
| d20 | Container | Handles | Business ends |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Troll testicle bag, the skin rough and hairy. | Human finger bones. | Fashioned from demon teeth. |
| 2 | Sleeve woven from haghair. | Porcelain doll limbs. | Copper with a woodgrain pattern. |
| 3 | A blasphemous puzzlebox. | A mass of wriggly worms. | Shimmering force fields of vorpal energy. |
| 4 | A box of bone slices fastened with golden nails. | Slender concrete blocks. | Brightly colored plastic with rounded points. Clearly meant for children. |
| 5 | Fragile but attractive crystal glass case. | Glass vials filled with mercury. | Thinly cut marble. |
| 6 | Miniature coffin originally housing a small animal. | Epoxy slabs that light up on touch. | Rice starch, hard but edible. |
| 7 | Simple ebony box covered in protective seals. | Scented wood in the shape of an array of phalluses. | Enchanted singing metal. |
| 8 | An auroch leather purse. | Gem-encrusted shells of oversized caddisfly larvae. | Hemacite. A mix of blood and sawdust. |
| 9 | Felt-lined adamantine box with your initials. | Bleached and haunted splinters of a ghost ship. | Old cast iron colonized by a rind of rust. |
| 10 | Looks exactly like an ornate holy book. | Small waxed scrolls comprising a sacred text. | Carved from the black, translucent eggshell of a kraken. |
| 11 | A silk string tied around the utensils. | Each an obscure idol carved from a different semi-precious stone. | Alien mouthparts. |
| 12 | A length of lacquered bamboo. | Cylinders of pristine white rubber. | Polished titanium with a rainbow sheen. |
| 13 | Simple linen sack. | Spools of fine chain and bent fishhooks. | Cursed bone that keeps growing and needs to be filed down occasionally. |
| 14 | Sturdy case with a biometric lock. | Layers upon layers of heavy-duty duct tape. | Machine-cut from the porcelain horn of a unicorn. |
| 15 | Signet ring that summons the utensils. | Dried dragon snot, obscenely colored and amorphously shaped. | Blood-red living alloy with a metallic stench. |
| 16 | Taxidermy of a beloved family pet. | Carved from a witch’s horn. | Hand-chiseled from petrified starlight. |
| 17 | The original packaging, neatly preserved. | Fused masses of glass marbles. | Various plastic cards cut to shape. |
| 18 | The scene inside a magical painting. | Crumbling tubes of dried-out coral. | Forged from arrowheads enchanted to always strike true. |
| 19 | A box fashioned from mineral salt. | Hollow metal shafts for hiding contraband. | Primordial ice, its melting is a crawl on geological timescales. |
| 20 | Small twine basket with ribbons. | Sleek continuation of the business end. | Invulnerable ironwood. |
Spiritual Concepts
Innumerable spiritual paths exist. Each encompasses several concepts; concepts that are so often enumerated. Just think of the 7 deadly sins or the 5 Ks.
Roll 2d10 and multiply the results to determine the number associated with the concept. Roll for adjective and noun separately.
| D20 | Adjective | Noun |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | chaotic | ages |
| 2 | divine | books |
| 3 | earthly | desires |
| 4 | enlightened | dogmas |
| 5 | eternal | energies |
| 6 | exalted | evils |
| 7 | false | hymns |
| 8 | forbidden | insights |
| 9 | greater | laws |
| 10 | hidden | names |
| 11 | immaculate | paths |
| 12 | lesser | resonances |
| 13 | noble | rituals |
| 14 | primordial | sages |
| 15 | prophesied | states |
| 16 | transcendental | truths |
| 17 | universal | vices |
| 18 | unknowable | virtues |
| 19 | unwanted | vows |
| 20 | unwholesome | worlds |
Shady Vending Machines
While walking in the city, you might find various vending machines, distributing all kinds of products. But some, the rare ones, offer a truly outlandish selection.
If you are looking for a specific product from a vending machine, you have a ½ chance it carries it and a ½ chance it either doesn’t or it’s out.
| d20 | Vending Machine |
|---|---|
| 1 | Dirty, seemingly broken. Colonized by birds. Dispenses an egg when a button is pressed. |
| 2 | Rolled-up spell scrolls are dispensed from a round hole, each machine has a slightly different selection, so it’s worth checking more. |
| 3 | An armory, a rusted box that dispenses weapons. Reliable but has a pretty poor selection. |
| 4 | Kind of an auto-altar, actually. Available blessings, with prices, are listed on an LCD screen. The receptacle is pretty big so it can accept non-monetary offerings. |
| 5 | A rather ancient-looking vendor. Bottled creatures can be seen from behind the glass. That is what this automat offers: familiars in a bottle. |
| 6 | A dispensary of diseases. The large buttons bear pictures of the pathogens on offer. Sports a surprisingly large selection. |
| 7 | A suspicious automat, small but with big tanks behind it. It sells urine samples, still warm, sorted by species. Options to add sugar, protein and trace drugs. |
| 8 | A plexiglass cylinder. Inside, little stuffed puppets rotate on discs. Highly collectible pocket gods coming from an ever-expanding pantheon. For some money, the machine chooses one at random and dispenses it. |
| 9 | A large glass icosahedron with a metal base. For some coins, you can turn a crank and expect a random polyhedral die to drop. Some of them are a bit malformed, though, as if they formed organically in a dimension of dice or something. |
| 10 | When you approach this slick chrome machine, you get a little dizzy in the head. It offers quarks of the six principle flavors: up, down, strange, charm, bottom and top. |
| 11 | You find this automat at the side of a dubious-looking building. This otherwise unassuming machine offers vat-grown bodies for sacrificial and other uses. The bodies come shrink-wrapped like a mattress. |
| 12 | This dispenser is well hidden, but if you manage to find it, you can acquire fake identities. All the papers, life history, some makeup. Be advised of the high prices. |
| 13 | A modern machine with a full-frontal LCD touchscreen. Various poisons are on offer, neatly packaged with instructions on dosing and application. They are eagerly awaiting your feedback. |
| 14 | There are a dozen or so figures on the touchscreen, zodiac signs from a different planet. Just guess which one you are, not like it’s real, right? When one is tapped, the machine prints a slip of paper with your horoscope reading for the day. |
| 15 | A biometric chakra scan photo booth. It takes a snapshot of your chakras and evaluates your spiritual health. |
| 16 | Dispenser for ritual implements and spell components. A wand, diamond dust or a shrunken head, all can be found here. |
| 17 | A baroque cabinet that dispenses herbal brews from plants you can’t identify. All the labeling is undecipherable symbols. |
| 18 | This tiny box of a machine offers protection in the form of amulets and talismans. State your ailment and wait for a little package to drop into the pan. |
| 19 | An automat that is a sizable boulder with a window carved out of it, displaying the selection. It sells various rocks and gemstones. They are all packaged like candy. |
| 20 | This automat is an e-waste collection point. The deposited material is quickly disassembled by e-demons in the guts of the machine and you receive some coins. |
Enchanted Memes
On your forays to the Internet, you find some weird stuff. Some of them are memes with magical effects. Roll d20 twice.
| d20 | If you see this while scrolling, | |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | You have been infected by the Microorganism | of Good Grades! Upvote in d100 seconds to gain +d10 points on your next test result. |
| 2 | You have been blessed by the Patron Saint | of Animal Magnetism! Upvote in d20 seconds or your next social interaction disastrously fail. |
| 3 | You have activated the Arcane Device | of Eternal Sleep! Upvote in d4 seconds to die. |
| 4 | You have been possessed by a Vicious Demon | of Body Odor! Upvote in d20 seconds or take a shower to not smell bad. |
| 5 | You have committed the Thought Crime | of Spellbinding! Your next spell will fail. |
| 6 | You have entered into conjunction with the Parallel Universe | of Accelerated Rest! The next time you sleep, you will wake up well-rested. |
| 7 | You have unknowingly contacted the Rogue Artificial Intelligence | of Warding! The next curse or hacking attempt against you will fail. |
| 8 | You have released the Ghost | of Misery! Upvote in d100 seconds or be sad for the next d12 months. |
| 9 | You have smelled the Blessed Incense | of Ceaseless Creation! Upvote in d20 seconds or be cursed with overflowing creative energies. |
| 10 | You have found the Forgotten Tome | of Wriggly Worms! Upvote in d20 seconds or you will feel worms crawling under your skin for d4 days. |
| 11 | You have crossed the Ley Line | of Bibliophilia! Your reading speed is increased by 100% for the next d4 days. |
| 12 | You have piqued the interest of the Elder Dragon | of Free Money! The next time you find unattended money and keep it, you won’t gain bad karma. |
| 13 | Your fate has been stirred by the Hobgoblin | of Carnal Craving! You are unusually horny for the next d10 days. |
| 14 | You have been kissed by the Muse | of Lucid Lungs! You are aware of your breathing for the next d20 minutes. |
| 15 | You’ve discovered the Universal Constant | of Genetic Greatness! Upvote in d100 seconds to have your genes permanently altered and gain a 1% increase to your fitness. |
| 16 | Your mind has been invaded by the Extraterrestrial Avatar | of Featherweight! The next 1000 calories you consume don’t count. |
| 17 | You have gained the favor of the Petty God | of Forgetfulness! Upvote in d20 seconds or you will lock yourself out the next time you leave the house. |
| 18 | You have been penetrated by the Waveform | of Bad Hair! Upvote in d10 seconds or you will have bad hair for d6 days. |
| 19 | You have stumbled upon the Pet Rock | of Big Think! You will be able to use 100% of your brain for the remainder of the day. |
| 20 | You have summoned the Elemental | of Tough Guts! The next time you would contract food poisoning, you can ignore the effects. |
Curious Candy Haul
You enter into a weird candy shop, you go on a Halloween raid of the galactic neighborhood, you rummage through the pockets of a child, you pray to a saccharine god, you visit a Japanese convenience store. This is what you find. Roll 3d20, keep the duplicates. Most of these sweets will have crazy packaging to attract kids.
| d20 | Candy variety |
|---|---|
| 1 | Sugarbugs: Colorful insect-shaped candies, each with a different color and shape. Blue cockroaches, white moths, red beetles, green grasshoppers and yellow bees. They might have been real insects that were transmuted into this form. |
| 2 | Sweet Teeth: Milk teeth coated in caramel and pink candy coating. Each pack contains 20 teeth: 8 incisors, 4 canines, 8 molars. Same number a child would have. Fairy’s favorite. |
| 3 | Sticky Fingers: Finger-shaped gelatin, really sour. There is a rumor that these are real human fingers that were pickled so long that they became jelly-like all the way through, skin, meat and bones. Makes your mouth stuck together real hard. |
| 4 | Froggies: Frogs stockpile sugars in their bodies when they hibernate. That’s what this is. Red liquid gushes out when you bite into it. Don’t get it on your shirt. Don’t keep the frogs in your pocket for too long or they wake up and jump away. |
| 5 | Damascus Delight: Different varieties of quality chocolate are folded onto each other a thousand times, producing a wavy, layered pattern like wood grain. Finally, the bar is tempered. Master chocolatesmiths work on a single bar for weeks. |
| 6 | Foamers: Marshmallows in a rainbow of colors, if you eat them, you will produce colorful foaming at the mouth. Air elementals are used in the making of this product. Not vegan. |
| 7 | Snake Eyes: They look like yellow candy eyes with slit pupils. You can see in the dark exceptionally well while sucking on them. They taste like earwax-flavored liquorice. Rumor says they are the actual eyes of candy snakes. |
| 8 | Baby Mandrakes: A handful of young mandrake roots that looks like tiny, puffy babies. They taste mildly sweet, a bit like peaches. They sing a lullaby when you bite into them and make you sleepy and relaxed. The bag has a cute sleeping mandrake on it. |
| 9 | Saccharite: All kinds of minerals, rocks and crystals. It’s all candy, sourced from a parallel universe of candy. Wrapped in organic packaging, also candy. |
| 10 | Ghost Gum: Chewing gum that never loses its flavor. Unfortunately, the taste is really bad, it’s ghost mint flavored. Ghost mint could best be best described as a combination of burnt rubber and intense, numbing cold. |
| 11 | Balloys: Five metal beads sitting in their wrapping like peas in a pod, they have ten layers, each a different metal. Popular with dragons and elementals. |
| 12 | Longue Tongue Lollipop: Translucent sucker with a chameleon at the core, it lengthens your tongue for a couple hours. Your tongue is long enough to reach your belly button but it doesn’t fit into your mouth so you can only speak with difficulty. |
| 13 | Animouth: Animal-shaped little cakes with a gross, musky taste. Depending on the shape, you can sound like an elephant, a griffin, a dog or other animals. There are some rare ones, too. |
| 14 | Coral Cracker: Double-decker crackers made of coral flour, filled with black squid ink cream. Slight fishy taste. Good for your bones. Just give it to your cat if you don’t like it. |
| 15 | Space Mix: Kids love this shit. Two separate compartments, one holds blackish-bluish molasses, the other tiny sprinkles that glow and might be mildly radioactive. When you mix them, it looks like you are swirling the universe around. The stars change position overhead. Tastes like vacuum. |
| 16 | Candied Lotus Petals: Home-made sweets, hand-picked and candied. White, crystallized bits of sugar form a crust on the black petals. A dark mist descends upon your vision if you eat too much. |
| 17 | Totally Nuts: Weird brain-shaped nut, red and blue, grown on a soil of human hair. Makes you smarter and a bit crazier. Watch out for allergies. |
| 18 | Dried Holy Plums: Black desiccated fruit. Said to contribute to a long, healthy life. It’s for like old people. |
| 19 | Brimstones: Yellow powder, kinda like coarse sand. Incredibly sour and just as spicy, has a sulfurous taste. They fizz and explode in your mouth, making you spit fire at times. |
| 20 | Parasite Potion: Tasteless liquid infested with a brain parasite that makes everything taste like the next thing you eat. The parasites are not adapted to the human brain so they die and dissolve after a couple hours, ending the effect. |
Esoteric Record Store Selection
This record store is the home of the hippest, obscurest music in the universe. If you take time rifling through the selection, you might find some real diamonds. Roll for look and sound separately.
| d20 | What it looks like | What it sounds like |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | A disc of unbreakable metal with a golden shine. The record is crafted from the most blessed orichalc. | Hymn of the angels, sure to drive a mortal mad. Your ears start bleeding before your brain starts bleeding. |
| 2 | See-through, filled with liquid metal, a deadlier relative to mercury. If the record cracks, the metal seeps out in sliver beads and kills on contact. | Auto-tuned baby crying. Not necessarily human. Not necessarily unpleasant. Unnerves animals. |
| 3 | Made of elemental phlogiston, complete blackness. The stars of the night sky are embedded in this very substance. | Static that somehow fills your mind with a cacophony of strange tastes and smells. |
| 4 | Translucent pink, the coagulated blood of albino demons. Hot to the touch, sizzles when it comes in contact with water. | Ethereal infrasound classics. You can almost hear them. |
| 5 | The bluest blue color, an ancient, now-lost pigment. There is just nothing bluer than this. The record might be worth a fortune ground up. | Changes every time you play it, slowly evolving into something different. |
| 6 | Like a circular window to an alien world in a distant corner of the galaxy. | The same notes over and over again. After a while, it sounds like it changes up and builds upon itself but that’s just a trick that your mind plays on you. |
| 7 | About a hundred little fairies are trapped in the clear plastic of the record, like bugs in amber. | Chorus of ghastly whispers. The calm of the grave. Your soul slowly evaporates through your skin when you listen to it. |
| 8 | Black glass with green and purple shine. Sharp at the edges and fragile if dropped. Unnaturally cold. | Sounds from inside a body. Each number concentrates on a specific organ, some you have, others you don’t. You feel like that organ for the duration of the song. |
| 9 | Chiseled trapiche emerald. The impurities of the crystal concentrate into six bands like the spokes of a wheel, separating the crystal into six segments. | If a fractal was recorded, it would sound like this. The music has this infinite quality to it, always offering endless unexplored depths. |
| 10 | Hair and nails fused into a disc shape. | Silence. While the record is playing, absolutely no sound can be heard in the room. |
| 11 | At first glance it’s like any other record. But it feels weirdly alive. It wiggles a little when you touch it, appears to be breathing, stuff like that. | No music. The record starts bleeding where the pin scratches it. A high-pitched whimpering, screeching sound can be heard. |
| 12 | A slice from a bone of a synthetic giant. The little grooves and lacunae are what you’re playing. | Monotonous chanting over cursed drum machines. If you play it beginning to end, it will call a cosmic entity to this world through a portal. |
| 13 | A ripple in water frozen solid, in time rather than space, cut into a disc shape. The waves create a playable surface. | Your two ears hear different things every time, regardless of the mode of playing. It’s impossible to pay attention to both sounds at the same time. |
| 14 | Printed with outlandish optical illusions. If you look at it for too long it will smoothen the ridges and uncurl the folds in your brain. | A symphony of solely distressing sounds. Like scratching a chalkboard and the like. If you manage to endure it, wonderful tranquility overcomes you. |
| 15 | The chalky white ashes of a saint pressed into shape. Burns unholy creatures. | A brief scream and everyone is pulled from their bodies to another dimension until the remainder of the album. |
| 16 | Cut in the shape of a martyr’s hand. The hole in the middle alludes to the nail that the holy man’s hand was tortured with. | An endless lo-fi sigh sampled to accompany incomprehensible vocals. Everyone listening is overcome by elemental sadness and starts crying black, oily tears. |
| 17 | Tight, fossilized curls of a worm or an ammonite shell. Cut, polished and engraved. | Sampling from the genre of Elemental Rock! You are petrified. |
| 18 | Small reflective particles are embedded in the disc. As the record rotates, holographic scenes of an occult ritual appear on its surface. Instructions, maybe. | Concert performed by the intelligent beasts of a faraway jungle. Makes you feel more connected to your bestial side. |
| 19 | Circular clay tablet, richly engraved. The grooves are more maze-like than spiral. Heavy. | There is a demon sealed in this record. You can hear its pleas for freedom while the record is playing. |
| 20 | Looks just like a regular record. | Sounds nothing special, even though, everyone is raving about it. Maybe you’re missing something. |
This obscure record was probably created by a bard, a sonomancer, a music mage, a sound engineer, a galactic songstress, a fucking rockstar, a god of music, an accident, or the big bang.